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Twelve

I think that it’s really hard to be a good parent…like there’s this thing that you love desperately and you always want to be around, and progressively over the course of its life as it gets more interesting, you have to let it go.” -Bex Montz Well Maia here we are again. Seemingly in a … Continue reading

Underwater

This week we were granted a window – a glimpse into Real Anna. On Monday we had an authentic exchange where she let me talk, offer words of comfort and help her puzzle through some things. She responded appropriately with shocking clarity and insight into her life. On Tuesday, she was Anna. We sat and talked … Continue reading

Samuel: A Love Story

I’ve told the story before but it bears repeating that I always knew Sam would come to me someday. Back in the years of longing for a child, aching with hope each month and then sinking with desperate disappointment when, again, I wasn’t pregnant, his was the face I saw. Or rather, the person I … Continue reading

Holding Space

“A heart shattered in a thousand pieces…has more surface area.” -Gil Fronsdal This evening I drove downtown in a daze. The lights reflected on the wet surface of the road. I searched for a parking spot. Every space was full until finally, I noticed an empty one. I drove around the block and just as … Continue reading

A Letter To My Nora Rose

Dear Nora, This week you start kindergarten. Last night I lay in bed for a long time unable to sleep. I thought of you wearing your new “tan” (as you say) school uniform, sitting in that classroom, in that big new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences and the image startled … Continue reading

Riverside

Home is a funny thing. For me, as a child, there was first a place, a set of people: they were home. And home meant unbreakable, unshakeable, unwavering. And then it was gone. Broken, shaken, wavered. Later, as a teenager, I had it again for a while. Our home was ours. My room was my … Continue reading

Little Wild Horse

In the aftermath of these struggles with Nora when I am feeling bruised and beaten and drained of all resources, having dug deep into the dark recesses for any reserve patience I might have – that’s  when I remember my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, my seven-year-old self. And when I remember, I realize that all of … Continue reading

Hiatus

I left my home once in the middle of some self-induced drama.  Feeling so adult and self-righteous, I walked out the door with a few boxes and my then bright-red suitcase filled with only the beautiful things in my life.  This was before children, before I truly understood the importance of paying bills on time, … Continue reading

Rose Marie

 I remember watching as a restless young child in church as she conjured up baby dolls for us to hold and rock in order to keep us busy as the homily droned on.  Her big, strong hands deftly and impossibly folded the Kleenex into little tissue “dolls” nestled into their own beds.  I was momentarily … Continue reading

Pieces

There are dreams that hang on; the emotion you felt in that subconscious realm seems to spread out and become real even when you awake.  It diffuses and infuses itself into the fiber of your day.  Your logical brain attempts to compartmentalize, find meaning and move on.  Your logical brain is not your whole self … Continue reading