Filed under Present Day

Standing On Both Sides

“Get in the car!” she hissed as she pushed me into the passenger side of our blue Ford Escort. It was dawn – supposedly the most beautiful part of the day – and the sky was a vivid expression of color gradients starting at the horizon line which was a subtle shade of pale blue … Continue reading

An Unfinished Story

The words- they are lovely in the beginning when it is always spring and you are perpetually driving up a winding hill, windows open with the newly warm wind in your hair, radio blasting the song you first fell in love to. And they are charming when it is still new and you are both … Continue reading

Off Again, On Again

The theme of the day/week/month is “loose ends.”  Everywhere I turn, in every facet, there are loose ends, things just hanging out there waiting for resolution.  School, house, car, kid’s education – nothing is following my agenda.  I don’t do well with this; I like to be in control.  No one is responding, we have … Continue reading

Genetic Condition

There is a niggling feeling I can no longer ignore.  The pain in my neck threatens to paralyze me; I can feel distinctly the thread that connects from it to my mother to my grandfather to his mother.  We are connected by a red thread tied around cervical vertebrae: atlas, supporting the circumference of the … Continue reading

Forgiveness

“What is the antidote to resentment?”  She asked the question, eyes opening wider, almost surprising herself.  “It isn’t about finding the opposite and then composing a game plan.  It’s about finding the antidote and then making space for it; just opening up.” *** I was eight years old or maybe ten when we had Christmas … Continue reading

The Gap

In an ideal world dying would be just. There would be strength- to tie up loose ends, to quit murky relationships, to bring our loves closer, to make the dysfunctional, functional. There would be time- to make sense of things, to bring about perspective, to close chapters. There would be explanations- conversations confrontations convocations. In … Continue reading

Typical Grief

For awhile it felt like we could sustain it forever – the holding on, the maintaining.  There was an illusion that it would get better or maybe remain the same and we’d all just continue indefinitely.  We’d bring food and drinks and step around the hard issues.  But then it became painfully clear that a … Continue reading

Like A River Running Deep

There is a deep grief inside of me, untapped – like water just below a surface it rushes. There is a little girl in our community who is dying.  She is a carbon copy of my little girl.  Eight years old – sweet, smart, precocious and brave.  She is a real person – angry and … Continue reading

All Along

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ― Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems I am realizing that the big life changes we make are done fairly cluelessly. We arrange and rearrange, pretending we have control, but it’s all a crapshoot in the end. And those … Continue reading

And Rain.

I miss: Freedom to leave Endless afternoons The thrill of the chase Being wooed The early days of memorizing hands Getting lost in your eyes Road trips Laughing so hard I cry Singing Dancing with abandon Time without end Hearing the first notes of a song you know you are going to love Feeling amazing … Continue reading