Filed under General

Genetic Condition

There is a niggling feeling I can no longer ignore.  The pain in my neck threatens to paralyze me; I can feel distinctly the thread that connects from it to my mother to my grandfather to his mother.  We are connected by a red thread tied around cervical vertebrae: atlas, supporting the circumference of the … Continue reading

Lost Memories

There is a terrible smell in the basement. I am drawn in.  I memorize it. Stone walls, dirt floor, dull windows, tools on the wall. Now, when I encounter the smell- of dirt and mildew in murky places- I smile, taken back, happy to remember something.

Typical Grief

For awhile it felt like we could sustain it forever – the holding on, the maintaining.  There was an illusion that it would get better or maybe remain the same and we’d all just continue indefinitely.  We’d bring food and drinks and step around the hard issues.  But then it became painfully clear that a … Continue reading

Like A River Running Deep

There is a deep grief inside of me, untapped – like water just below a surface it rushes. There is a little girl in our community who is dying.  She is a carbon copy of my little girl.  Eight years old – sweet, smart, precocious and brave.  She is a real person – angry and … Continue reading

All Along

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ― Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems I am realizing that the big life changes we make are done fairly cluelessly. We arrange and rearrange, pretending we have control, but it’s all a crapshoot in the end. And those … Continue reading

And Rain.

I miss: Freedom to leave Endless afternoons The thrill of the chase Being wooed The early days of memorizing hands Getting lost in your eyes Road trips Laughing so hard I cry Singing Dancing with abandon Time without end Hearing the first notes of a song you know you are going to love Feeling amazing … Continue reading

Love Letter

There are times when I am a snowball, rolling, catching the snow around me, feeling it stick to me until I feel so laden down that I can hardly move.  And there are other times when I am a spring, bouncing from one chore to another, my mind so busy I am unable to finish … Continue reading

Automatic

I’m on the cusp of something.  I sit numbly, on the edge of my chair, watching my three year old “put on a play.”  Everything is muted and, as if she were far away, I watch her peel stickers off a door and stick them on a window.  She knows this is naughty but continues … Continue reading

On The Dark Side Of The Road

Today on my normal drive to drop the girls off at their schools, I was struck by the ugliness around me.  I’d like to be all sunshine and bright outlooks, looking on the sunny side of life, but the reality is that there is cold and sadness and mediocrity.  The pacifist in me wants to … Continue reading

Temporary Block

Grown-up Was it for this I uttered prayers, And sobbed and cursed and kicked the stairs, That now, domestic as a plate, I should retire at half-past eight? – Edna St. Vincent Millay God, I’m bored. It’s not anything in particular.  Just everything.  It’s a combination of so much going on in life, but somehow … Continue reading