The theme of the day/week/month is “loose ends.” Everywhere I turn, in every facet, there are loose ends, things just hanging out there waiting for resolution. School, house, car, kid’s education – nothing is following my agenda. I don’t do well with this; I like to be in control. No one is responding, we have a communication breakdown.
I want to scream and kick and throttle people who don’t provide answers but I don’t have time between engagements. I have no time to stop and embrace the anger and sadness. Instead I give myself time in the car as I drive.
I drive myself to a kid’s guitar lesson, fighting off tears of frustration on the way. I gather myself and walk into my kid’s school where I somehow make my ass smaller so as to fit on the seat of a tiny chair meant for a kindergartener. I feel awkward and large as my knees rise up too far in front of me like a kid on a too-small bike. I try to stay present.
Thirty minutes later I walk out of the school, allowing myself twenty minutes to be frustrated again on my drive to pick up more kids. A professor calls and rudely cuts me off. I swallow it and make plans to meet later. When I arrive I apply Chapstick and blow my nose, smile in the mirror and run in to get the kids.
Once buckled in, they zone out and so do I. Always there is the monotone voice of the hosts on NPR, a non-emotional undercurrent to our lives. I try to create a strategy in my head as we ride. Strategies make me feel better. Once at our location, I go back into auto-mode, unbuckling, replacing shoes, promising snacks. I can actually sense a split in my thinking – the stimulus for auto-mode is arrival at our location.
I’m afraid I’m living my life in pieces. I’m afraid I only feel when I’m in the car.